Confession is a lost rhythm of modern life. In modern American culture, we’re quick to ignore our own faults and shortcomings, justify vice or less-than-good behaviors, and not cast judgment on others’ mistakes—unless we disagree with something they stand for. I’m grateful to be a part of a church that regularly practices confession, and it is that practice that I feel called to engage in as 2024 opens. Specifically, there are some aspects of my identity as a writer that I’ve felt conviction over in the latter part of 2023, which I want to reflect on as both encouragement and exhortation.

It’s been a turbulent season of finding momentum in my fiction writing, to say the least. My writing updates in 2023 reflect this. Studying literature as a student uses a lot of the same mental energy as fiction writing, which makes it hard to do both at once. But that’s not the only reason it’s been a rocky road for my writing lately. There’s a spiritual component to this as well. I treasure my identity as a writer. It’s been a core part of who I am that’s remained stable for most of my life. And because of that, it sometimes gets put up on a pedestal above my identity in Christ. I often say that I write to glorify the Lord, but how much of that is true, deep down? Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern of trying to write for the “Kingdom of Self” rather than the Kingdom of God. In other words, in recent years, I’ve fixated on trying to use my writing to make a name for myself, rather than really dedicating my writing and path as a writer to the Lord.

The root of my Kingdom of Self focus is the temptation of fame. And to be honest, sometimes I feel alone in struggling with this pull, especially among other Christian writers who seem extremely content with their small success or who don’t bring the need for publication into their writing at all. I haven’t felt content with smallness or writing for the sake of writing in a while, which is sad. What’s even more bizarre to me in this is that I know fame isn’t everything and seems to cause more problems than not. When I dig down deep to figure out why I have this pull towards “stardom,” so to speak, I believe the idea of fame appeals to me because I’ve often felt invisible and out of place, and—like all human beings—just want to be known. However, instead of finding belonging in Christ and remembering that I am seen and known by God, I strive to find approval in man and earthly accolades, which will never fulfill or satisfy me.

I need to turn away from building up a Kingdom of Self and writing selfishly.

Because ultimately, my life as a follower of Jesus is not about me. Even if the Lord were to give me the fame that my heart desires, it would be worthless compared to the surpassing value of God’s Kingdom. As Jesus says, “‘The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it’” (Matthew 12:44-46). Why do I want to build up a Kingdom of Self, when I have access to something far more valuable in what Jesus Christ has offered us? Why write stories that point to me, rather than write ones that point to the tremendous value of the Kingdom of God?

Moving forward, then, I want to return to what I once knew to be the primary goal of my writing: honoring Christ with my storytelling. This first begins with prioritizing the True Story, the Gospel, as the thematic center of everything I write, and reprioritizing the thematic development of each story I tell. (In this season, I’ve certainly thought more on what plot twists or cool character moments I could include in my novels to shock readers, rather than the encouragement and hope I want to offer my readers.) Maybe focusing on Gospel-saturated themes will end up with my stories being dismissed by the world as foolish or simple, but as long as they are True and point to the value of God’s Kingdom, what does it matter? I want my heart to prioritize the things of God rather than the things of this world, even if that means sacrificing my little Kingdom of Self.

I also want to write and move towards publication with a focused, Christ-centric perspective. I am a small piece in the bigger picture of God, and while He can use small pieces for big things, ultimately, I must surrender my dreams and goals and acknowledge that my work is out of my hands. I must simply be faithful and prayerful. While it’s not wrong to pursue publication and even pray or work towards a wider readership, I want to make sure my heart is centered on what matters most in it: Jesus. Yes, there is a business side to writing if you want to be published, and there is an amount of marketability and worldly concerns, so to speak, that affect that. Yet I believe there is a way to pursue publication that doesn’t fixate so much on my own glory. I’m not at that point, yet.

I’m going to talk a little bit more about publication in the coming weeks, as there’s more that I want to address. Specifically, the harm of viewing publication as the ultimate ideal of my writing that gives it purpose. More on that in two weeks.

To close this first part of my confession, I want to end on a couple of verses that touch on some of the tensions I feel currently and my hope for sanctification as a writer moving forward: “But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who examines our hearts … so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:4 & 12).